Here’s how to do it:

1

Identify
the Problem

Awareness of the issue we want to shift is the first step. Without awareness, we have no clarity around how this thing is getting in our way and no tangible fuel to change it.

The best way I've found to gain further awareness around the issue is to write about it: make a list of all the ways the habit gets in your way and how that makes you feel. Then write down how your life would change if you—instead of feeling powerless over this thing—took your power back? Okay, now we're cooking and things are looking clearer.

2

Stop the
Behavior

The crucial second step when attempting to change a less-than-helpful habit is to create a period during which you will not engage in the activity. This can be a few hours, a day or a month—whatever you think is necessary—but needs to happen. Without this lived experience of not engaging in the habit, we'll just be mentally masturbating wondering what it might be like if we stopped. Not helpful.

Remember: Awareness without action is insanity. But trying something new creates possibilities. I didn't know what it would feel like to stop drinking until I did. So I committed to a month at first. Then a year. Then four years. My time off gave me lived experience that it was possible to exist without engaging in a behavior I thought I couldn't go without. And that was so empowering! Like: “Hey, I can do this! This exists! Whoa!” What else can I do that I've never tried?

3

Don’t Do
It Alone

We can't change a habit with the same thinking that got us into this mess in the first place. We need new perspectives. We need new people around with fresh ideas. For some men, it may be helpful to begin working with a therapist, coach or men's group—the key is finding a space that can offer you both accountability and encouragement to keep going and keep exploring.

To help me stop drinking alcohol, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is the number one program in the world that helps people stop boozing. For me, AA created entire rooms full of new people I could be accountable to in my commitment to not drinking. And it gave me friends to grab breakfast tacos with with, or call on the phone when I was frustrated and sad and lonely and wanted to quit. Which brings me to my next point ...

4

Let Yourself
Feel Everything

Our go-to habits are like Band-Aids: when we rip them off, there's bound to be a little pain. If we don't honor and process that pain, we never get to the root cause behind the behavior—which is the key to getting free.

I used alcohol as a way to transcend my feelings of self-hatred. And when I stopped drinking, there were decades of old sadness to process. Ugh. To help, I created Spotify playlists tied to certain eras of my life where difficult memories lingered: a high school breakup, the loss of my father, going away to college, etc. Whenever I felt emotion coming up, I'd drive around cranking tunes and grieving.

As I healed and processed the root emotions behind my habit, I became naturally more comfortable in my skin, which made being present in my body more fun. The desire to drink to escape naturally fell away. And I found that I didn't need my crutch anymore.

5

Create the Life
You Want to Live

So many of us fall into crappy habits, because we aren't satisfied with our lives. And the instant gratification of doing something easy that brings relief wins out over putting in the time to create lasting change.

One exercise I do with many of my clients in transition is around purpose: What are your goals? Who do you want to serve? What are you here on earth to create? Most of us go through life never being fully clear on what we want to be doing. We're winging it. And, as Lewis Carroll famously wrote: “If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

In my drinking years, if I knew my purpose for being alive was to help other men, it would've occurred to me: “Hmm, when I'm wasted, I don't seem to be helping anyone. Maybe I should drink less.” The same goes for even the smallest habits. If my goal is to read twelve books this year, and I'm spending all night on TikTok and never cracking a page, then that habit has to change for me to be successful.

It's all about alignment: when our thoughts match our words, and our words match our actions, we're living in integrity with ourselves. And when we're living in integrity, being present to our lives is a pleasure. Don't get me wrong, we all need time to just fuck off, relax, binge a series or take mushrooms with our friends. But the more inspiring a life we create, the less time we'll want to be distracted from it. And the more powerful and yes, free we'll feel.