⋆ If you are alone when you crack open a peanut shell and eat the peanut inside, you are the only person in the world to have ever seen that peanut.

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⋆ Being an adult is like one of those “choose your own adventure stories,” but every option sounds kind of terrible and costs way too much.

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⋆ You could throw a rock into a lake and be the last person to ever touch that rock until the end of time.

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⋆ Most rappers sing about being richer than they actually are. But most country singers sing about being poorer then they actually are.

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⋆ If you are rich enough, parking tickets are just how much it costs to park there.

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⋆ The Girl Scouts would sell way more cookies if they made the boxes smaller and placed them in vending machines in large office buildings.